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Back to me

A wise but VERY OLD man once told me that I need to keep doing the things I love because that is what’s going to keep me sane.

Well my Dad was absolutely right!

And I am making a point to do things that I loved to do before my world imploded. A few years ago, I fought depression and anxiety. It hit me hard and out of the blue. It took a lot to pull myself out of it. But I did it without drugs or therapy. I worked on the internal me.

Well this year has been nothing but a bunch of bumps in the road. And I have moments where I can feel the anxiety and depression starting to creep back in. This time instead of hiding it from my family, I am very vocal in saying I am having a bad day. It also feels good to have a great support system in the chaos called my life. My family, all of them, have been amazing!

But now it’s time for me to get back to being me.

First things first. Clearing my calendar. You should see all the things written on it. Doctors appointments, homeschool activities, Brianna’s school activities…etc. I have to slow down. I have been on the go constantly for 4 months now. And I feel it hitting me.

So October we are starting to slow down.

I need to be home in order to have a homestead. My garden has suffered. My chickens have suffered. My wallet and health has suffered.

I enjoy doing things with my kids. But I am also an introvert, which means I honestly enjoy a relaxing day at home more.

The last few weeks I have made the effort to do something for me. I have cooked more. I cleaned out my chicken coop and started going back to the old way of taking care of them, instead of my lazy way. And I even read a book!

The difference I feel is incredible and I am going to keep on this path of getting back to me.

Where have I been?

Let me start by saying I’M ALIVE! And that I am sorry.

I can’t believe it has been 2 months since my last post. I hate when you find an awesome blog (hopefully you find my blog awesome) and then there is never another post. It really irks me. And to know I did that is a hard pill to swallow. But to be honest, and that’s what I am going to be, my life has been pure hell. So out of control and way off course, that I literally take it one day….no… one hour at a time.

For the past 6 months or so, my hubby and I have been dealing with some children issues. Basically I have an 18 year old that has lost her way and is making poor choices. It was so bad that it controlled my every thought, day and night. I woke up thinking about it and went to bed thinking about it. I was stressed and aggravated. The mood of the whole house changed to a big, black cloud.

So as you can imagine, I felt I had nothing positive to post. I felt that I could say nothing because of how personal it was. I felt lost.

I think my hubby knew I was at my breaking point and asked me to take a backseat and let him handle it. At first, I was pissed off and angry. But I also felt tremendous relief. A weight lifted from my shoulders.

I took the kids to the park that day. And I just watched and listened to the laughter. I watched the joy on their faces. I realized I had been so focused on her that I was missing out. Later that day, Hubby sent me on an errand and said to go by myself and get a frappe. I drove with the windows down and the music up. I was living again.

My best friend has been my rock. I leaned on her daily through these last 6 months. She witnessed what I was going through first hand the other day. As we watch my daughter walk out the door to go where ever it was she was going, she asked how can you be so calm not knowing where or what might happen. My answer was because I have 3 other kids that need me. I have a 6 year old that craves my attention, a special needs child that needs my attention and a 16 year old that wants my attention. They speak to me with kind words and show me love. They are a bright spot in a dark day.

A situation like this could have easily torn my family apart. Hubby and I could have different views and be on different pages. We could be at each others throats all day, everyday. But instead we are closer than ever and stronger than ever. And that has helped our younger children survive the storm that has become our life.

Our oldest has 9 more weeks of school left. I tell people YAY! 9 more weeks of school and then I go OH only 9 more weeks of school. But we will make it through.

Plus I have been singing a lot of Let it Go from Frozen.

The day the system let us down.

New year 2015

One reason I have been MIA this summer is because of my special needs daughter. I don’t know if it is her hormones changing or just the medicine becoming ineffective because of her being on it for so long, but it has been a summer from hell. She has becoming increasingly agitated and defiant. Usually I can reach her with some humor and talking to her. But even that is not working.

Our breaking point came one Sunday. It all started by me asking her to do her chores and from there the whole day went to hell in a hand basket. By about 1-2pm in the afternoon, we were calling the cops out because she ran away after getting violent with me. Now here is where the system failed.

The cop came out and talked her down. But said he would rather us take her to the mental health center because it frees him up for other emergencies. I honestly understand this, but it kinda just let everything else balloon out of control.

We went through all this question and answer sessions and when it was time to talk to administration the lady said nope doesn’t qualify. Okay but when I then tried to explain that she had kicked me twice and body slammed me, I was made to feel like it was my own fault. Now let give a little back story. Two weeks earlier she ran away and the cops came out, they said I should try to restrain and bring her back to the house next time before calling them out. Now this is what I did. I restrained her from running out of the house knowing she was going to run away. When I approached her, she connected twice in my chest and when I did get a hold of her from behind, she threw her weight and me backwards twice. And this lady called it defending herself.

WAIT! IT GETS BETTER!
So I bring up her running away. Oh no, it’s not running away because she went to a neighbor’s house every time. Nevermind if it was a neighbor we knew or not. Nevermind that she probably would not have come home on her own. Nevermind that these neighbors were scared and uncomfortable. She had a destination in mind and because she went there, it is not running away.

She then asked my daughter about therapy. She refused to go. She then asked if she would like to get help at home or away from the family. My daughter says away. She says she is not going to change being at home and refuses to get help unless she is taken somewhere. So this lady recommends a residential place and says SO & SO will be in to help with paperwork.

SO&SO comes in and says no that place won’t take her because she has never been Baker Acted. Well what do you think we are trying to do!!!! Even says she doesn’t qualify for in home therapy just a case manager.

At this point, I am feeling defeated and worn out. When we walked out of the facility after accomplishing nothing, my daughter got mad because she had to go home. I cried the whole way home. I really thought today was the day she gets the help she needs.

Her psychiatrist is good for nothing. He doesn’t know her from Joe down the road. Every time we go in it’s like he is seeing us for the first time. I have to repeat everything. He has also given up hope. He told us this is it. This is your life.

She is on the spectrum, but she is high functioning. She just has a mental age of 10 or under. She has signs of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She doesn’t understand appropriate relationships. When she has a friend, she becomes completely obsessed with them and it consumes her life.

So let me recap, had the cop taken my daughter instead of us, she would have been admitted. Even for a couple of hours, it would have been on her record and maybe opened up more resources. But instead, that day taught my daughter that everything I have said to her is a lie.

I tell her you can’t go around hitting people that’s called assault and you go to jail for that. Nope! Wrong! She learned that day that she can hit, kick and slam her Mom down and nothing will happen.

I tell her not to runaway because bad things can happen. Nope! Wrong Again! Because she learned as long as she is going to a certain destination it is not considered running away.

I tell her to listen to her parents. Why? No one else does!

So thank you system! You may think my daughter is a lost cause and that she doesn’t understand what you taught her that day. But I guarantee you she remembers. And it will make my life and hers even more difficult! And next time might not be just a little hitting or kicking. It might be worse. But you just don’t get it. You don’t have any special needs children yourself. You just have a medical degree that says you know it all. But you don’t! And until you live our lives on a daily basis, you will never get it.

You failed my family that day. And who knows how many others you have fail. But the fact of the matter is, I am trying to prevent another theater shooting or another Sandy Hook. I think it’s time that you wake up and take parents seriously. Never question a parents intuition!

This all happened 2 weeks ago. And so far things have been smooth sailing. But my daughter is almost 16. She has goals and dreams. And right now those are not a possibility. We have finally found an autism therapy school and are in the process of trying to get her in there. I want to feel hopeful, but also have been so disappointed in the past that I don’t want to get my hopes up.

 

Lowe’s Build and Grow Workshops

A little over a year ago, my hubby started taking Lil’ Man to our local Lowe’s for the build and grow workshops. It is usually one Saturday a month. And it really provides a lot of fun and skill building time for the little ones or big ones.

Our first time they gave Lil’ Man an apron, safety goggles and a name tag. Each time you go you will receive a certificate and an iron on patch. You borrow a small hammer and they give you everything you need to make whatever it is you are making that day. It’s awesome!

DSCN2225

Our first building experience

 

And did I mention it’s fun, easy and FREE!? Yes, it’s completely free. You’ll want to go to the Lowes Build and Grow site. There you will see the date for the next workshop, what you are building and when sign-ups open. Signing up early is very important because these fill up fast. Sometimes you can just show up and wait until all the register participants have shown up and see if any are left. But registering is a less than 5 minute task and easy.

Next workshop is Saturday, February 14th at 10 am. Sign ups open February 2nd. And your child will be making a sweetheart picture holder.

Future project looks to be a Monster Truck.

Have fun and enjoy!

Young bucks nowadays

I’m 32 years old and really the only thing I have accomplished in my life is being a mom. I never went to college. I never traveled the world. I never had any dreams or aspirations because I never thought I could reach them. So I just didn’t. And now at 32 years old, I struggle to know who I am and feel as though I am just watching the world go by.

Then I see a young 19 year old. Who is top of the class at culinary school and is just letting the opportunities pass by. They’re right there in arms reach, a hand starts to reach for it, then hesitates and draws back. The 19 year old and the chip on the shoulder settles with many excuses to go around about why not now.

My question exactly WHY NOT NOW?

Why not go to London and cook at a 5 star restaurant? Life back home will still be there.

Why not go and intern with Graham Elliot from Masterchef in Chicago? Home will still be here.

Why not take a leap of faith and explore the world? Family will still be here.

I am just a low man on the totem pole home cook, but I would jump at those opportunities. Going to culinary school alone, would make me over the moon! But to have these kind of opportunities is amazing and once in a lifetime opportunities.

So to all the young bucks, children, kids or teenagers! Take it from someone who wishes she made more of her life. Just a little friendly advice or encouragement.

I wish I had the opportunities you have or will have in your lives. Don’t be afraid to go out there and explore this world. Yes, it will be scary. But take that leap. Take as many opportunities that come your way. Go to London to cook with a 5 star restaurant. Or go to college in another state where they have 4 seasons. If you fall in love with that place, don’t be sad that you left us behind because we will still be here cheering you on. Leave the nest and spread your wings. Don’t ever settle in life. Make your life what you want it to be.

I wish I had to opportunity to live in a different state or country. To experience a new culture and see new things.

I wish I had a career goal and knew what I wanted to be and went for it.

I wish I had some passions and just went for it.

It’s not going to be easy but life never is. Things may not always work out how you pictured, but life never does.

In the end, you will make mistakes and you will live and learn. And you will grow!

But at least you lived your life, instead of watching it pass you by.

Because no matter what path you choose, you always end up where you need to be.

Home.

Family

 

My old life vs my new life

City Life vs Country Life

Stay at Home Mom vs Homeschooling Mom

I remember dropping the kids off at school and going to a PTA meeting. Then heading to the mall, Target or a restaurant for lunch. Grocery shopping with no kids was normal. I made sure all of my errands were done by the time I picked my kids up from school so I wouldn’t have to go out with all 3 of them.

But I also remember the traffic and the way our neighborhood was going down hill. Our kids had no yard to play in and even if they did I wouldn’t let them. The playground down the road was home to daily drug deals and bratty teenagers. All things my babies were not going to be exposed to.

Then again, I remember how much I loved my children’s school. How nice the teachers were. You couldn’t go ten feet without someone saying hello or good morning. The school was fantastic. Had we stayed in that area, I don’t know if I would have started homeschooling.

But then I remember the way I had to leash up my dogs and take them out one by one. I also remember how scary it was doing that in the dark.

Then we moved out here where there is no traffic except during our fair days. I have an acre and half for my kids and dogs to run in. No more leashes, drug deals and bratty teenagers (except my own).

Oh but the school, I hated it. I was supposedly part of the PTA board but they never included me. I was made to feel like I wasn’t welcomed because I was new. The teachers gossiped instead of greeting you when you walked through the halls. I remember being mortified when a teacher followed me out of a classroom to continue an argument with me. I remember being looked at with disgusted to whole rest of the year. I also remember constantly fighting with the teachers to follow my special needs child’s IEP. I also remember the way they let kids bully her because she didn’t look special needs.

And now I get up start my day with a cup of coffee. Get my oldest off to school and feel good knowing my other kids are right where they should be. Every child’s path is different. Every family’s life is different. There was a fork in the road for me and I could have stayed being the typical suburban mom or moved to country and become a totally different person.

My heart is fuller knowing I changed into someone who is not so shallow, not self absorbed and very much fighting for her kids. I wanted to fit into the whole status quo of what a suburban mom is: shopping, socializing and, yes on the outside, a good mom and wife.

But I honestly regret those years that I wasn’t home with my girls. I wish I lived out in the country from the beginning and homeschooled from Kindergarten and up. I wish I saw how fast that time was going to go by and treasured it a little more.

Better late than never though.

We have a new diagnosis!

As most of you know, I have a special needs child. I came into her life at age 3 and she was unable to talk clearly at all and not potty trained.  Compared to my daughter who was only 5 months older, she was very delayed. Once I felt comfortable to say, Hey she needs help, I started fighting for her. And I have still been fighting for a diagnosis. In an earlier post, I wrote about my frustration with getting an answer, which you can read here. Well since then we got a new doctor who really listens to me and my concerns and who actually wanted to see the results of the outside test I got done on her. Since then the word Autism has been used here and there. But nothing definite. Finally I said what is her diagnosis. I just want an answer.  As of right now, she has Asperger’s Syndrome with PDD. Now he did say this will change next year because the guidelines and titles are changing. So she will be considered under the Autism Spectrum. But I feel finally on a path to answers. And with this doctor, instead of making me feel stupid for saying I don’t think she is maturing like she should, he has told me that we won’t know what the bar limit will be for her because everyone is different. I always been made to feel like a terrible parent for not having confidence in my child that she will live a normal life but that was not reality in what I was seeing at home. I didn’t want blinders on. I wanted to know why and what to do next.  And now I feel we have finally gotten the right doctor for us. It may have taken 11 years but we are at a turning point.