It’s been a long time since I posted on here and I missed some AMAZING opportunities in our lives over the last few months. My reason was I wasn’t here. Mentally or Emotionally. Only my physical self was here. I didn’t realize it but I was fighting depression and anxiety. I see it now. I had all the symptoms.
Lack of Motivation
Loss of appetite
Feeling of sadness
Yup that was me! And then I had this anxiety that I didn’t want to leave the house. The thought literally made me feel like I was drowning. I always made excuses about why I couldn’t go do this or that. Looking back it was ridiculous. But I couldn’t help it.
No one knew what was going on until one day, I told my hubby that I wasn’t myself and something was wrong. Step 1 admitting a problem~check.
I spent days telling myself I wanted to feel normal. I kept willing, begging and praying to feel normal again. I just wanted to be me again. So why couldn’t I? And how did I get to this point?
Well I think it was just my year from hell finally came crashing down on me and reality sank in.
My grandpa is gone.
My mom and I will never be the same.
My cousin died of Esphogial cancer.
HELL~ even my kids Pediatrician who was my doctor died.
I realized my childhood was a ball of lies.
My daughters are growing and one is in high school (I think that was icing on the cake)!
Ever since she started high school, it kept getting worse and worse. I became obsessive about homeschooling. It felt like the last normal part of me. And I made it consume 150% of my life.
Last straw was 2 weeks ago. I had my whole little family here including my brother. And I started sinking. It literally came out of nowhere. My brother and husband noticed it. And hubby finally convinced me to take something for it. It helped! I only took 1/2 a pill but it immediately helped.
I was so reluctant. I didn’t want too. I didn’t think I needed it. But I did and I see that now through clear eyes.
I have my life back after 1/2 a pill. I haven’t taken another one since. I don’t know if I was ready enough that all I needed was a little boost. But I feel like Jeanette again.
And I am SOOOO appreciating it to the point of being corny. But I notice the colors of the sky, grass and streams. I see everything clearly. And I love it!
But at the same time, I missed so much. And that I will never get back.
So that is why I am taking the rest of the year off. I am going to enjoy the moments and live! I am going to enjoy my family. And I will be back in the New Year. I need this and my family deserves this.
But one last thing~If you are reading this and saying I feel the same way. Please, PLEASE seek help. Mine start by vocalizing to my hubby and reaching out. Tell a friend or seek professional help on your own. It is nothing to be ashamed of and you will feel so much better once you do. You can start living again.
And to any friends and family that read this and go I had no idea. Well I am an awesome actress and should be given an Oscar.